20 Months & 17 Days: The Tipping Point
I wish that today was just the third day of February, but for Jordan and I it is much more. Today marks 20 months and 17 days since Claire departed from us. Today we have lived the same amount of time with her as we have without her. Tomorrow, I will have spent more seconds, minutes, hours, and days of my life grieving Claire than I did holding her. My mind struggles to comprehend the fact that I spend a much greater portion of my life remembering her than I did creating memories with her.
” Come, all you who are thirsty, Come to the waters; And you who have no money, come, buy and eat!.....”
This past September I went to a local Ladies Conference and the speaker gave a message from Isaiah 55 that has stayed with me. She spoke about God calling us into his waters. That the more we desire him the deeper we go. She had us imagine walking into the ocean. The water rises from your ankles to your knees, from your knees to your waist, from your waist to your chest. At this point you still have control, but the point is coming when the water reaches your neck, you are on your tippy toes, and you have a decision to make. Will you take a step back from God allowing you to regain control? Or will you take one step forward in faith fully submitting to God and giving him control?
What an amazing image! I have been on that sandbar for 20 months and 17 days now, with no desire to take a step back from God, but unable to take a step closer towards him. The speaker referred to this dilemma by saying you cannot go deeper into His waters if your arms are not free to swim. She asked us what we were holding onto that prohibited us from moving forward. At that moment I could see myself neck deep in the ocean holding onto my grief. Not resentment, not guilt, not anger towards God….just the deep sorrow, mourning, and void in my life that came into my life the moment Claire left. GRIEF. How can one short word encompass so many complex folds? It is always changing directions and reeking havoc on different areas of my life. Imagine a tennis ball in a dryer. That an idea of the internal effect deep grief has on a person. I cannot let go or separate myself from Claire, so will I ever be free from mourning her? To be blunt. I am stuck. My hands are full of anguish, but my heart yearns to move deeper into God.
I feel the spirit moving in me to makes decisions, dive deeper, push myself. February 3, 2016 marks a time measured tipping point that matches my spiritual one. I can’t stop time nor should I hinder my spirit. Time to move forward, but how?
“Give ear and come to me; Hear me, that your soul may live.”
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
I don’t know how, but it is clear I do not have to. God is telling me to give him my attention. Listen to him. Seek him now. His thoughts, his plan, his actions may not make sense to me, but that is okay. I have only a small glimpse of the large picture. God is above all and will reveal his purpose in his time. I do know my uneasy soul is thirsting for the Lord. Only he can fill the void in my life, calm my spirit, and fill me with joy. He alone can turn this grief which anchors me to the shore into a buoy that carries me out to the middle of the ocean.
“Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.”
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk long the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.
I love this scripture. Read, pray, talk, write about the Lord not only in church, not only at night, but all day during all activities. He is not a part of my life but in ALL PARTS of my life. May I make him the priority. May we be inseparable.