Where is God?
Sometimes Jordan will look at me and say, “How did we get here?”
Where is here? Life without Claire. A place of constant mixed emotion, trials and struggles, and a new perspective on life. I miss the innocent and naive way I use to look at life before Claire passed away. The sun use to shine more brightly, tomorrow seemed more exciting, and the days were less painful. However, I have grown to realize that these things do not make my life better or give it purpose. This world and the things in it were created for us, but enjoying them should not be our sole pleasure or comfort in life. I do not know what the future holds for our family. Will this pain ever subside? Will my son grow up to be healthy? Will I be able to have another daughter? Despite all the questions and unknowns, I refuse to move forward in fear. Honestly, I do not move forward with excited anticipation either. I approach tomorrow with the knowledge God is in control, but that Satan is actively at work in the world. I am deliberate not to elevate my expectation of the future, so that there is less disappointment and more room for God to move. How can I live the rest of my life with the sobering reality that bad things can and will happen? How can I step into the next moment knowing that I am not protected against future tragedies just because I have already experienced one? Serve. Fulfill my purpose. Give my life as a living sacrifice to the Lord. “I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son will bring Glory to the Father.” John 14:12-14 I may not know why Claire had to leave us early. I may not know when the next hard day will be. I may not know how we are going to get through the rest of this life without her. But I do know that my purpose in life is to serve God. Knowing that gives me a reason to get out of bed, a reason to go back out into the world, a reason to keep living. God has a plan for me, and I want to fulfill it.
John 15:16 “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. “
God chose me to be his child. He chose me to be Jordan’s wife. He chose me to be Claire’s mother, and he chose me to serve him with this life I’ve been given. When the days gets hard, dark, or confusing I cannot throw my hands up at God and quit even if that is what I feel like doing. Sometimes it is too hard. Sometimes I hurt so much I feel alone and completely abandoned. Those are the moments when God reaches out. About a week and a half ago, I read that the Northern Lights were going to be visible in our area just after dark. So Jordan, Derek, and I got in the car driving north to find a high spot on a mountain, away from town. As we were driving we came to the crest of a hill with open fields on both sides. From there we had a perfect view of the Northern lights and the North Star. The star was more brilliant than I have ever seen. It looked close enough for me to reach out and touch. The night was calm, the air was still, the sky was clear, and I instantly felt at perfect peace. In that spot, at that moment, I felt the Lord’s presence surround me. Despite everything I have been through, everything I have felt, I departed from that place smiling. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27 On that night, in that place, the Lord reached down and rejuvenated my soul.
Isaiah55:8-11 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it”
There is too much death, sickness, disaster, poverty, war, hatred, and godlessness in our world today. There are so many times that I find myself saying, “Where is God?” Mothers lose children, why? Children lose fathers, why? Christians are being persecuted, why? Countries are destroyed by natural disasters, why? People are starving and living without clean water, why? Then I stop and think about how our world continues to push God away, why? So many things do not make sense from where we stand because we have such a limited view compared to God. I think back to the night I saw the North Star. I look up and see the North Star, but the North Star can see so much more looking down. The Lord is seated at his throne in Heaven watching the Earth spin, and He is in control of everything. Each of our lives is just a single thread in the garment of life that he is weaving. Even though it seems as if He may be making a mistake right now, He isn’t. Romans 8:28 “we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” These moments of distress that we encounter will be incorporated into the grand design creating a more intricate and beautiful eternity then we could imagine. The world may not make sense, but God’s promises will never fail me. The hope I find in his word will sustain me. “My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” Psalm 25:15